I made a mistake at work today--or, to be more precise, the mistake was pointed out to me in a group meeting by my boss, who was very angry indeed and called a group meeting to get to the bottom of things. And though I agreed with him privately that the result of my mistake sucked--a printed book jacket with a back panel that looked like shit--I was speechless in the moment: just couldn't believe that thing--that error--had been mine. I had--I have--no recollection of even seeing the thing before it went to the printer. And yet my initials are on the routing slip. I OKed it.
The mistake and my amnesia about it came about because of the volume of work crossing my desk, and because of staff shortage; on the day I made this goof--and in the three weeks surrounding this day--I had exactly zero staff members and four empty desks in the publicity department and was carrying the load myself (and I have three departments reporting to me, none of which are fully staffed yet.)
Worse, though: in the moment I was casting about in my mind to try to figure out who the FINAL decision maker had been. It didn't really hit me until that moment, three months after I took this job, that I'M the final decision maker. Me.
I'm not accustomed to making mistakes--not mistakes like this: a stupid newbie mistake. I'm so humiliated. It all plays into the deep-quiet feeling I've carried since grad school that I'm pulling a fast one at work, and any day now somebody will figure me out.
Argh. Life is such a confidence game.
6 comments:
i bet that your expertise and all-around brilliance far outweigh any mistake you may have made, especially since it is not a common occurrence, by any means.
today was my first day at the new job. i felt like a dumb newbie all day, and you are correct: life is indeed a never-ending confidence game.
I have my moments on occasion; though they are seldom enough I live in fear of the possibilities (16,000 pound forklift meets 150 pound person running across aisle).
You are not pulling a fast one, and having only one thing slip by makes you awfully good at what you do! That's not taking into account the shortage of staff, etc.!
Yes, a confidence game and one in which we tend to undermine ourselves readily! (That old cliche about always being your own worst critic is true!)
alan
if you don't feel like a fraud at least once every day, you're doing something wrong.
chin up, girly, if only because it looks a hell of a lot better than flinching should you get socked on it.
thinking of you.
one day you will realize you are no longer "pretending" to do the job you are (already) so competent at....and that will be a very good day!
glad to find you again!
:)
Oh,your human. At least you didn't push the wrong button on the Space Shuttle like that school teacher did.
I would like to exchange links with your site www.blogger.com
Is this possible?
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