I am absolutely defeated--not forever, but today--by how hateful the kids are to each other sometimes. I catch the unfiltered reality now and then--when they're talking to me on the phone at work, and one of them forgets to hang it up after we've said goodbye; or when I'm napping. They're young enough still to prefer to be next to me if they can; nobody wants to disappear to her room or go outside by himself. And so I can witness, when they haven't noticed I'm not really asleep. It's the kind of nasty we would never commit upon another person as adults--sneery, clear-eyed, direct hits, aimed squarely at the vulnerable spots mapped only for family. He stays calmer than she, delivering hit after hit, and she quickly becomes emotional, at which point she's lost and knows it. So she slugs him, and he cries the kind of canny cry he knows will deliver the ultimate final word from Granny or Poppop, and when confronted by one of them, she lies about having hit him because she doesn't have the words to express the wounds he's just delivered, and because the behavior is all so patterned now that G & P have decided she's guilty before she opens her mouth. Which--guilty--she is. But so is he. The little prince. It is the same dynamic I had with my younger brother, who could engineer a stern punishment for me and then grin at me when the adult left the room. A child's sense of justice is so big.
Suppose I have to buy a book and engage this. I want to shake them and tell them how hard it is to find a safe port as an adult--how lucky they are to have each other, how they're going to need each other again and again in their lives. Note that my brother and I never rely on each other. Not ever. But I have five siblings.
Hence my despair. Which will pass.
The carnival's in town. Poor schmucks--setting the thing up for three days, and the day it opens, the skies open up and stay opened for all but four hours on Saturday. Rough biz.
3 comments:
That dynamic you speak of is so very hard to watch as a parent...the escalation of things that seems it will result in permanent damage.
I used to think it was because mine were only 11 months apart, but yet my sister and I were 4 years apart and had it, though to a lesser degree. She remembers me picking on her to the point of tears, I remember her being able to do nothing wrong. She and I stayed close in spite of it; my sons are 30 and 29 now, and are finally starting to close the rifts that began in high school.
Part of that may have come about because of Bill moving to D.C. this last week, but seeing that rift finally close makes me worry less about their future when we're gone!
May they somehow get through these years and realize how much they truly love and need each other to get through this world!
Thinking of you...
alan
"It's the kind of nasty we would never commit upon another person as adults--sneery, clear-eyed, direct hits, "
sadly I do know adults like this....
It is hard to witness from a distance such things. I like to think that you are planting important seeds that will sprout along the way. YOU are an amazing woman and mother.
PS: I miss connecting with you.
Post a Comment